I spent this whole week at my new condo by myself. The quiet is kind of nice and slightly lonely. I miss the laughter and even some of the stomping around upstairs that means my kids are home and playing. I can’t complain about the free child care and that they are having fun while I work an ungodly amount of hours and try to get my life and future in order but I miss them and don’t want them to think that I don’t have time for them or that I don’t want them around because that just isn’t the case. My babysitter moved back to Boise this week so I am unsure of what child care will look like for the next couple weeks yet. So far I have been able to make it work and still work 50+ hours per week. I find it hard sometimes to be in the silence. I often have my TV or radio on even if I am paying it no attention. Sitting in quiet with my own thoughts can sometimes be overwhelming. I can create chaos in my life with my thoughts alone. I am working everyday not to fear the future and to accept where I am and believe that I do deserve the good things that are coming my way. In fact I did a wedding last Saturday, on top of a 56 hour work week, and the officiant just happened to be Chaplain Karla! Karla is the one who spent 4 days with me at the hospital during the worst days of my life. Once I realized who she was I quickly asked her if she remembered me. It took her a second and then she excitedly exclaimed “WOW you look amazing!” The last time she saw me I was almost 40 pounds thinner and on my death bed. The hospital had sent her to help me prepare myself and my children for me to leave this world. She was so excited to see me and kept telling me how great I looked and how she had left that hospital room praying “God please do something here.” After the ceremony and things had settled down and the long line of guests began to fill their plates we had a chance to sit down and really talk. I spilled everything from my pending divorce, to my health status, to how my kids were handling everything and even about my new guy. After a discussion about my new relationship and the status of my life she looked at me and said “It sounds like God is giving you a gift, why are you afraid to take it?” I was blown away that she noticed in that brief conversation that I have been struggling with my worthiness. She was right, I do struggle with feeling like I deserve the good things in life some times. I need to take myself where I am and believe that I deserve love, appreciation, respect and even health. God did design it that way and I am no more damaged than anyone else. My flaws are just more obvious than some.

I do have a blood draw on Thursday and I am a little anxious as I always am but I feel pretty good for the most part. I have been gaining weight like crazy and have been tired a LOT but a 55 hour work week will do that to anyone. Over all i am trying to enjoy each day and not look too far ahead, even though as a woman that is difficult sometimes Today is a long shift but I got to have lunch with my two beautiful daughters and that helped break it up a bit. They are my joy and my strength and I want them to have the best of me always.