The girls are really into “how many day till…(the next thing we have to look forward to)” So today on the way to school Rilynn says to me ” Mommy, how many days until you’re done with this Chemo and Cancer thing?” I kind of smiled and said “I’m not sure, but I’m fighting as hard as I can.” She replied with “I know mom, I just wish I knew how many more days till it was over…” I said “Me too babe, me too.”

She is such a smart little girl and it hurts to know that those thoughts even cross her mind, but I know she will be strong and brave because of all of this. I know that I am doing all I can to make a difference in their lives and their perspective on life. As Darick and I thought about how to spend our tax money. We discussed buying a few things for the house or finding something to buy that we’ve been eyeing like most people do with theirs but we decided that we want to build memories with our kids. Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us so we might as well take advantage of the time we have. We have decided to use it for our family trip. We go to Lahonton every year and have decided to take a couple extra days and drive the remaining 8 hrs to Disney. We’re taking the camper to make it cheaper and easier for me to have my food and ostomy supplies. We are all really excited and anxious. My friend Amber sent me this today and it really touched me. I look at my kids as the starfish.

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.
One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.
As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean. He came closer still and called out “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?” The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.” “I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” asked the somewhat startled wise man. To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.” Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”
At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, “I made a difference to that one!”

Today I went to see Mark since I have still been having dizzy spells and problems with my vision and energy. He did some tests and told me that I have some adrenal problems and a problem with my cerebellum. Stupid cancer, it has caused so many problems. He’s not concerned about it. He just changed some of my pills around and told me to check in on Thursday to see if it has improved. He also told me to plan on a 2 week fast when we get back from vacation. Ugh I hate fasting, but he says after the first 4 days it gets better. He says no stimulation during that time so I’m not sure I will even be journalling. I get frustrated at times because I look normal but I still don’t feel “normal.” I have some really good days and some where I don’t get dressed or get anything done. I know people often forget I am sick because when they see me out it is usually a “good” day and I look and feel pretty good. I can’t wait for a day when all I have is Good days, or at least mostly good days