Archive for God

Lovely Ladies

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Thursday, September 1st, 2011

This morning I found myself standing back for a minute and taking in all that the morning had to offer.

I woke up snuggled up to 2 little blonde’s that had made their way to my bed at some point during the night, climbed out of bed and got a quick shower in before getting the girls up and ready for the day. I love how when I wake them up they are almost always all smiles. They both reach for me and give me big hugs (the best way to start the day) We all make our way to the bathroom to begin the ritual of getting 3 ladies ready, I am already realizing that all of us in one bathroom isn’t going to work for long :) , but we all brush our hair and wash our faces etc… I love laughing with them about silly hair styles I try to get them to do and spending a few minutes talking and listening to music. The 3 of us are little music junkies and we spend each morning listening to Pandora while we get ready. Then the task of trying to pick out clothes, I have long ago discovered that I should do this the night before because much like their mother they have WAY too many clothes and they have very strong opinions about what they want to wear. We spent 20 minutes today arguing about what shoes went with a skirt (since they can’t wear flip-flops) until she finally changed into yoga pants and tennis shoes. whew this is going to only get worse as they turn into little woman. At the heart of it all, I just feel blessed to have the girls back full time and getting to spend this valuable time with them. As I drove to work I found myself praying. Praying about the new job opportunity, praying for health and thanking God for the gifts in my life; My girls, My family, My job and My Joel at the heart of my thoughts. I prayed for strength and healing and prayed for worthiness and satisfaction. I am so grateful to have had 2 amazing years to continue to experience life. Yesterday I was telling my new coworker about my sister and how she had found out she was pregnant while at my house helping me with recovering from surgery and how she was devastated at the thought of me not being here when her daughter was born…As we now I WAS not only here but healthy enough to be there for the birth and just a few weeks ago was still here to experience my nieces 1st birthday. Such huge mile stones and experiences I am so grateful to have been able to experience. Life is good today

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Another Lonely Day

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Monday, August 8th, 2011

I spent this whole week at my new condo by myself. The quiet is kind of nice and slightly lonely. I miss the laughter and even some of the stomping around upstairs that means my kids are home and playing. I can’t complain about the free child care and that they are having fun while I work an ungodly amount of hours and try to get my life and future in order but I miss them and don’t want them to think that I don’t have time for them or that I don’t want them around because that just isn’t the case. My babysitter moved back to Boise this week so I am unsure of what child care will look like for the next couple weeks yet. So far I have been able to make it work and still work 50+ hours per week. I find it hard sometimes to be in the silence. I often have my TV or radio on even if I am paying it no attention. Sitting in quiet with my own thoughts can sometimes be overwhelming. I can create chaos in my life with my thoughts alone. I am working everyday not to fear the future and to accept where I am and believe that I do deserve the good things that are coming my way. In fact I did a wedding last Saturday, on top of a 56 hour work week, and the officiant just happened to be Chaplain Karla! Karla is the one who spent 4 days with me at the hospital during the worst days of my life. Once I realized who she was I quickly asked her if she remembered me. It took her a second and then she excitedly exclaimed “WOW you look amazing!” The last time she saw me I was almost 40 pounds thinner and on my death bed. The hospital had sent her to help me prepare myself and my children for me to leave this world. She was so excited to see me and kept telling me how great I looked and how she had left that hospital room praying “God please do something here.” After the ceremony and things had settled down and the long line of guests began to fill their plates we had a chance to sit down and really talk. I spilled everything from my pending divorce, to my health status, to how my kids were handling everything and even about my new guy. After a discussion about my new relationship and the status of my life she looked at me and said “It sounds like God is giving you a gift, why are you afraid to take it?” I was blown away that she noticed in that brief conversation that I have been struggling with my worthiness. She was right, I do struggle with feeling like I deserve the good things in life some times. I need to take myself where I am and believe that I deserve love, appreciation, respect and even health. God did design it that way and I am no more damaged than anyone else. My flaws are just more obvious than some.

I do have a blood draw on Thursday and I am a little anxious as I always am but I feel pretty good for the most part. I have been gaining weight like crazy and have been tired a LOT but a 55 hour work week will do that to anyone. Over all i am trying to enjoy each day and not look too far ahead, even though as a woman that is difficult sometimes :) Today is a long shift but I got to have lunch with my two beautiful daughters and that helped break it up a bit. They are my joy and my strength and I want them to have the best of me always.

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Big day tomorrow

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

Big day tomorrow. I feel a little anxiety but a little confident. I have been good about my program but there is always that little fear in the back of my mind. There also seems to be cancer shows and conversation everywhere we turn.  Mekaty turned to me the other day on the way to school and said “mom, are you going to die?” She was worried because a little girl in her class had just lost her grandmother to cancer. One of the most common things I get asked is how I answer that question. The best answer I have is, None of us get to choose if we die but I am doing everything I can to help ensure that I don’t.  I don’t know what else to say. I reassure her that no I am not going to die and that Dr’s don’t get to decide when people die, GOD does. Other than some major stress and being really sick I have felt pretty well and am now playing on 3  hockey teams.  Its so much fun, a great outlet and a great place to meet amazing people.  Tomorrow will be a telling day.

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Ironic that God had put them on my heart this morning

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (3)
Saturday, December 4th, 2010

This morning I had a overwhelming thought of my new friends Joanne and Bill. I sent Bill a text saying that I was thinking of them and then went to my computer to watch a video compilation of her life. I got emotional during the video but had an overwhelming feeling that it was something you would see at a funeral.  Joanne and Bill are distant step family that I have never met, however they have become close to my heart over the last 2 weeks as they have called me about my treatment and worked with Dr Cola over the last week trying to save Joanne.  She has been battling breast cancer for the last 2 years and was at the very end.  Today after I got off the computer I got a call that she had passed.  Ironic that God had put them on my heart this morning.  I called Bill and he tearfully answered the  phone and we talked through the process and the pain.  He thanked me for all of my help and I apologized that we didn’t get different results.  He and I had talked in detail about it being God decision whether she would get better or not and he felt at peace but very sad.  I also told him that his sons were welcome to call anytime if they needed to.  I would love to go out there for the service even though I have never met the family, but I don’t think that makes much sense financially right now.  Prayers and Love for their family.  The power that comes behind the pain is incredible.  We have the ability to change and touch others lives.

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Opening up about how it really feels

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (1)
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

On Monday I woke up bright and early after 4 days of fasting and headed to Boise for a scan. I then went and had some lunch with my girl Jenna before heading back to see Dr Perez(my surgeon) He did a pap and an exam and then gave me the news I dreaded most. He said “I can’t do the surgery.” He said that there is a rock hard mass at the top of the vaginal wall and it is too close to the colon to be able to do the surgery. He requested that I go back on chemo and see if we can get it to “soften up.” He told me that he believed I had a good reaction the the Gemzar treatment and that he would recommend we try that again. I told him that I couldn’t walk, that’s not a good reaction and that my oncologist told me that if I went back on chemo I would have to stay down there. Not only do I not want to live in a Boise hospital I don’t believe it was working. I told him that I believe in what I am doing and he asked me to schedule with my oncologist anyway. I felt hot tears running down my face and was in kind of a state of shock I think. Dr. Perez and Martha sat there with me as I cried and explained how I felt. They were kind but they can not truly know how it feels to not be able to wear jeans or a swim suit. How it feels to not be able to work or go to church because it’s too quiet and what if it makes noise always in your thoughts. They can’t know how it feels to not want your husband to look at you. They tried to soothe me and I left there feeling a little hopeless. As I walked to my car I kind of felt like I was in a tunnel and there weren’t even tears. I was glad I was alone because I am such a private person and I needed that time to gather myself and to only care about my emotions and nobody elses. I called Mark and he was kind as usual and told me that he believed that a hard mass is good meaning that it was calcifying and that it then starts to deteriorate. He is kind and even though he doesn’t know how I feel he tries to reassure me the best he can.

I text Jenna and we decided that a relaxing pedicure would be a good option so we headed to the mall for some foot rubs. It was nice to get to relax and feel spoiled. I haven’t spoiled myself in a long time and I found a couple cute new dresses for summer(if it ever comes) that made me feel a little better about hiding my ostomy. My first thought was to go home and have a raging angry fit on my closet. I get tired of looking at the clothes in my closet that I can’t wear but I decided that wouldn’t really make me feel better so finding something cute to wear might :) On my way to Ross I got a call from Marika. Despite her rough day(she was the hospital with a fever) she was a comfort to me. We talked as only cancer patients can talk to each other. We talked about our body’s, how we felt unattractive and how the emotional toll takes over you some times. She is kind and loving and I am so grateful for her. I had lots of shopping to do and stops to make so when I finally headed for home after a LONG day at 10 pm I had a melt down. Something that I don’t think I have ever really let happen in my life. I was alone, had some great music going and I just sobbed and cried out to God. I yelled and let myself be REALLY angry for the first time that I can remember and then as quickly as it started it was over. The tears were dry and the redness left my face and once again I was in a state of numbness almost. I know that there is nothing I can do to change this right now and all I can do is keep working on me. I realize that I can live like this for now. There is no threat to my life, my kidneys are functioning and my bowl blockage is non existent. The greatest hurdle in my life is this ostomy and I can’t do the surgery myself so I better just figure out more ways to get around it for the time being. I don’t have to be happy about it, I just have to accepting of it for now.

I’m headed in today to go over my scan with Mark but he says there is no growth and that in it’s self is good news. There was a time when the growth was expected to take over my system and end my life so this is GOOD news. I need to just keep plugging along and enjoying the moments I have. Rilynn and I have a hockey game and on the ice is one place where what I have under my gear doesn’t matter. I wish I could change in the locker room like “normal” people but I can make due…I don’t have a choice :)

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