The trip was life changing and purely amazing. We spent our days laying on the beach or by the pool and playing in the crystal clear water. Spending time with Sunnie was exactly what I needed. We just relaxed, ate, shopped got massages at sunset and enjoyed every minute. There were amazing shows and reasons to laugh every day. I can’t imagine it going any better than it did. On the last day I had another bout with bowel obstruction but thanks to the meds they called in for me I was still able to enjoy my time on the cruise and in Miami. On the flight home I began to feel a lot better and was so glad to see my girls!

I had only been home for a few days when I found myself with a giant leg after hockey and headed back to St Lukes in Boise to get it checked out. They assumed it was a blood clot and started me on lovinox shots and IV fluids ect. I got to spend mothers day in the hospital and not with my mother or daughters. They told me that I would be on blood thinners indefinitely until my cancer was gone and that if that was the case I would no longer be able to play hockey. I felt hot tears filling my eyes as I imagined loosing one of the things in my life that I truly love. Finally they did some tests and were unable to find a clot so they started looking to a Cat Scan for an answer. The only thing that they found was that the vessels in my legs look narrow and they assume that the tumors are starting to restrict the blood to my legs. Their solution of course is chemo, but I haven’t decided for sure. It has been kind of a discouraging experience.

Despite it all I try to focus on all the joy I have also experienced and the blessings I would have missed. This morning I had a new niece born and to be here to be a part of it is a great feeling. Tomorrow, I turn 30! A day I wasn’t supposed to see is almost here. I try to hold on and be excited about the possibilities the future could hold.

While she was in surgery I went over to the chemo suit and had my port flushed. Every time I walk in there I feel very overwhelmed with emotion. I notice the people who have all their hair and you can tell are getting ready to “start” this journey. They are unsure of what to expect and some of them look defeated already but my favorite are the ones who look so determined. I only hope that fire and fight don’t fade as the effects get more and more uncomfortable. There are those of us with a variety of short hair styles anxiously waiting to see if we are maintaining those oh so important numbers and praying that we never have to go back to the beginning ever again. The hardest ones to see are those who are bald, quietly covering their bald bodies with fake eyelashes, painted on brows and the little scarves and hats that mostly keep your head warm and provide you a little security to feeling like people don’t know how you look under there. I wish there was a way for me to tell everyone how they can make a few lifestyle changes, whether they stay on chemo or not, that could dramatically affect the out come of their lives. It’s for that reason that I have decided that I WILL write a book to share my story. There are many details that I still need to work out about how I intend to go about it but last night I met with my uncle Marty’s girl friend who a published author and an English professor. She told me that she would be glad to help me and connect me with her publisher and other connections as I progress. I am very excited about where this will lead. I also met with another woman, who I met through facebook, to discuss our plan to start a cancer clothing line for people with scars, appliances and other medical “defects” A lot of exciting stuff to come. I am excited to start filling my thoughts with all of this new passion instead of cancer. Those days are coming. For now..off to Florida to welcome a new baby niece into the world and nurture a relationship with a sister