Well a lot has happened in the last week or so. Last Thursday I finally decided that I was pretty sure I had a bowel obstruction and I left early from work and headed for Boise. I was bloated and looked like I was about 6 months pregnant. About half way there the pain was getting a lot more intense and I was glad that I went. They admitted me to St Luke’s without even seeing me as they know these days that I tend to kind of know if something is really wrong. They got me hooked up to an IV and got some pain meds and fluids and got it flowing. They were pumping me full of fluids so fast and then they added the pain meds and it knocked me back and caused me to violently throw up, so much fun. Then I headed to X-ray where they confirmed what I expected, a bowel obstruction. they made me comfortable and told me that I would see my surgeon in the morning. I had spoken to Joel’s mom on the way down just randomly and had told her where I was headed but didn’t really tel anyone else, which later bit me in the butt when all of my family was upset that they didn’t know when i finally posted it on Face book. Joel had planned to come down the next day after getting new tires but got a hold of his mom in the mean time. She told him where I was and he called right away. I reassured him that I was ok and not to worry. He told me that he was going to try to make it to at least McCall and be to Boise in the morning. I woke up at 2:45 from a dead sleep and instantly text Brian(who had my girls) to see if Joel had made it, right then Joel walked through the door. He told me that he couldn’t sleep so he just came the whole way. It was so sweet and something new for me to feel like such a priority. We spent the next few hours cuddling in the hospital bed and talking about how we felt about each other and life. The next morning Dr. Perez came in early at 5:20 am and told us that I was definitely obstructed and that he would like to do a CT and see where things were and start talking drugs and possibly single agent Avastin. Later that day Dr. Zuckerman came in and said “absolutely not” to Avastin and pushed for me to do chemo. They told me that I wasn’t leaving there until I chose some kind of route for treatment. Joel and I spent the next few days talking about intimate and emotional things, researching clinical trials and often taking breaks to watch a dose of Netflix to keep our sanity. It was both beautiful to share the intimate details of my fears and concerns with Joel and frustrating to feel like I was kind of trapped into doing as I was told and not what I wanted. Finally they started to let me eat and tried to get me to do Chemo, Dr. Perez leaning away from Chemo and Dr. Zuckerman saying NO to Avastin made the decision a lot more difficult but I finally got them to release me on the stipulation that I would look for a clinical trial and see what my options are. Monday was the final day in the hospital and in looking for a phone number for a clinical trial I yet again came across the number for Chaplain Karla. I always tell her I will call and never do but she came by to see us and had a great conversation with Joel and I that left both her and I in tears. Joel’s maturity and love were so apparent in the conversation that we had and it was a very new feeling for me to have that kind of support. Despite the leash(IV), the drugs and pressure of not being able to say what I wanted there were some really beautiful moments of intimacy and fun. One of my favorite moments was when Joel and I snuck outside to one of the courtyards and sat on a bench in the sun for about an hour

I had a few days at home/back to work and yesterday was headed to see Joel when just outside of Grangeville when I came around a corner just as a truck clipped a deer sending it head long into my car. I hit it at full highway speeds and can’t even describe the sound as it crashed into my brand new car and the airbags exploded in my face. It was intense just as you would expect when you see it on TV or something. Needless to say I got to ride in the ambulance to Lewiston and poor Joel got yet another phone call to meet his girlfriend at the hospital. They wanted me to get checked out because the airbag had blasted me so hard and my seat belt locked up and had to be cut. My short break from the hospital was now over and I found myself being slid from my car onto a back board and riding in an ambulance to Lewiston with 2 very funny EMT’s. Joel met me there and walked in with us from the ambulance, our timing with each other is amazingly good. I feel very lucky to both have him and to have not been injured much worse. The officer and the guy at the body shop seemed surprised at how well I had fared. I know I am blessed and will continue to live life to the fullest and try not to fear.

I am grateful for the unbelievable amount of support I have from my family, Joel and his family and even all of the followers to my blog that I don’t even know. I am still looking for answers but believe that my brother was right today when he told me to go back to what I was doing before. I have let the emotional challenges in my life send me back to the start line and I need to let Love and happiness prevail over that and believe that I am worthy of healing and that my future can be bright.