I have been awake for hours now. I fell asleep really early and then my neighbor woke me up chopping wood just before Joel called to say goodnight. I hate when I do this. I lay awake just thinking, thinking about everything that is on my plate and feeling overwhelmed enough not to sleep. I feel a lot of things tonight. One is happiness. Joel told me when we started dating that 7 months was his longest relationship and as of now we have been together 7 months :) From here on out I will be his longest relationship. It’s funny to me that I feel so much strength from 7 months when I was married for 10 years. I can’t explain the difference but it is a beautiful thing. I can’t wait to see him tomorrow. He puts me at such ease and I enjoy every moment with him. I hate that we see each other in short doses right now but am so glad that we are both willing to make the effort.
Speaking of marriage. I think my divorce is nearly complete and Darick and I are in an amazing place the last few days. We had a great talk and I think he finally understands part of where I was coming from. We are both happy right now but he did make a comment that imprinted my heart. It’s sad to think that I have known him half my life and that it has come to this for us to have a mutual understanding of where we each stand. For the first time ever, that I can remember, we truly talked about my health and the emotions tied to that. For once I felt like he was listening and really cared. I can’t explain it but it was personal and powerful. I don’t think he had any idea how I truly felt or where things really stood right now. I kind of wanted to hug him when I got out of the truck but I didn’t know if that would be weird at this point. I have surrendered my anger towards him, forgiven him because God says to and can actually see us being friends for the girls moving forward. That brings a smile to my face and I hope that it will stay this way.
That brings up the health issue. Everyone keeps asking and honestly I haven’t had much to say because I am trying to be quiet and listen to what I am supposed to do next. I don’t have any “major” symptoms but the fatigue catches up to me pretty often and there are other small factors affecting my decisions. I do have a tumor on the outside of my stomach now. It started out small ish about 4 months ago and has continued to grow and I can feel a larger portion of it on the inside. It is miserable. I hate looking at it for one but it also is quiet uncomfortable when I take my ostomy bag off and is starting to make it more difficult to get a good seal. I also have this very full looking belly and do my best to hide it with what I am wearing. That seems to be getting more and more difficult. My legs have been pretty good, some slight swelling here and there but nothing like what I had in the past. The only other thing I seem to really notice is that when I push on my abdomen under my ribs on the right side it is a tiny bit tender. I know who does that right? This girl, trying to keep tabs on reality. Oh and there’s the CA-125 reaching 397, that’s small compared to some people I know but high for me. So what do I do with this new found knowledge and symptoms? That is the ever looming question. I spoke to Mark today and he still wants to see me do a 20+ day water only fast but there is no way that I can do that with my job. When I mentioned that to him he said that I will be in the same boat with chemo. I don’t know if that is true with the new plan that Seattle has in place. I spend hours a day reading testimonials and doing my best to descipher what the best option truly is. The thing is everyone has a different story. Maybe I do a fast while on chemo? I’m not really sure yet but I know that time is running out to make a choice. I made an appointment to see Dr. Zuckerman on Thursday morning early. It was ironic because usually he is really hard to get in to and I had already planned to take Thursday off to be with Joel. When I called today she said “He has an opening on Thursday.” Maybe it’s a sign? I want to show him what Seattle is purposing and see if there is anyway I can receive that kind of treatment here. It makes more sense to try and do it here where I can just add more to my ongoing bill but when I read about Seattle I am intrigued by the process. Unfortunately I don’t think waiting until the end of July is the best thing to do and that is when my insurance will go active. So many decisions and no answers yet. That’s what keeps me awake…Good night world
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Chicago has been a powerful trip for me in so many ways. Anytime spent with my brother is enjoyable and valuable. We can be completely vulnerable with each other and his wisdom is always appreciated. He and I are now finding ourselves in the same place with a pending divorces. This is something we never saw ourselves going through. We are great people with amazing hearts how could we fail right? The good thing is that we know that with failure comes success. A saying that I love states, Success develops from good choices, good choices develop from experience and experience most often develops from poor choices. Through this journey I can’t believe the things we have discovered about our selves. It is empowering to see your faults and short comings and know that you have the power to change. We went to a show last night called “Too much light makes the baby go blind” it is a compilation of 30 short plays that the cast tries to accomplish in 60 minutes. There were many that had powerful or controversial context but the one that caught my attention the most was the one where they spoke about “what would you do if you had to stay right where you are forever?” after a short monologue they shut all the doors and asked us who amongst us would become friends, enemies, lovers… What could we create together? It was so powerful to think that you can develop those things where ever you are! It was by far the most memorable one for me.
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