Archive for Daughters

Lovely Ladies

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Thursday, September 1st, 2011

This morning I found myself standing back for a minute and taking in all that the morning had to offer.

I woke up snuggled up to 2 little blonde’s that had made their way to my bed at some point during the night, climbed out of bed and got a quick shower in before getting the girls up and ready for the day. I love how when I wake them up they are almost always all smiles. They both reach for me and give me big hugs (the best way to start the day) We all make our way to the bathroom to begin the ritual of getting 3 ladies ready, I am already realizing that all of us in one bathroom isn’t going to work for long :) , but we all brush our hair and wash our faces etc… I love laughing with them about silly hair styles I try to get them to do and spending a few minutes talking and listening to music. The 3 of us are little music junkies and we spend each morning listening to Pandora while we get ready. Then the task of trying to pick out clothes, I have long ago discovered that I should do this the night before because much like their mother they have WAY too many clothes and they have very strong opinions about what they want to wear. We spent 20 minutes today arguing about what shoes went with a skirt (since they can’t wear flip-flops) until she finally changed into yoga pants and tennis shoes. whew this is going to only get worse as they turn into little woman. At the heart of it all, I just feel blessed to have the girls back full time and getting to spend this valuable time with them. As I drove to work I found myself praying. Praying about the new job opportunity, praying for health and thanking God for the gifts in my life; My girls, My family, My job and My Joel at the heart of my thoughts. I prayed for strength and healing and prayed for worthiness and satisfaction. I am so grateful to have had 2 amazing years to continue to experience life. Yesterday I was telling my new coworker about my sister and how she had found out she was pregnant while at my house helping me with recovering from surgery and how she was devastated at the thought of me not being here when her daughter was born…As we now I WAS not only here but healthy enough to be there for the birth and just a few weeks ago was still here to experience my nieces 1st birthday. Such huge mile stones and experiences I am so grateful to have been able to experience. Life is good today

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Missing My Dad

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Sunday, August 21st, 2011

Today as we commemorated the wonderful life of Bob Gallup I can’t help but think about my dad. Tomorrow will be 14 years since my father chose to take his life. It’s hard to comprehend 14 years! When I think about all the things he’s missed, 3 weddings, 4 beautiful granddaughters and all the other mile stones in our lives, it makes me both sad and proud of all the things we have accomplished during those years. We have graduated college or other programs, developed amazing friendships and careers, chosen paths for our lives and most importantly we have all become parents. I know that as I look at my daughters I see my dad in them and some of how he parented in me. I credit him for many characteristics in me, some good and some not so good. Either way I know that his love helped shape me and there are so many wonderful things about my dad that I hope to share with my daughters. I am sad that he isn’t here to hug them and play with all the granddaughters because I know he would have enjoyed them all so much but I know that the 3 of us kids can carry on that legacy of love and fun to our children. I am also lucky that I have my other dad Tom, he has been such a blessing to my life. I guess we can only try to do better than our parents and know that at times we will also fall short. My dad will always be missed.

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Powerful Moments

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (1)
Tuesday, August 16th, 2011

Darick’s girlfriend Laura and I were texting back and forth tonight about the girls and when they will be back etc… and she told me that she was folding laundry and the girls were trying to fall asleep and she heard Mekaty ask Rachel if she wanted to pray with her for her mom…Rachel asked her “How do you pray?” and Mekaty said “You just talk about all the good things you want to happen.” I realized right then, I have done a good job raising 2 amazing daughters. Thoughtful, kind and believing young ladies. I started sobbing as I read these texts. I miss them SO bad. I can’t wait to see them. Life is so short, I just want to spend as much time as I can holding them and laughing with them and snuggling. I am almost excited for school to start when they will be with me all the time again and we have a set routine again.

I also sent off all my paperwork for the Clearity Foundation today. I’m kind of anxious to see what happens from that. I was surprised at how easy it was to get the grant. From application to acceptance took only a few hours. Only time will tell.

Good night world

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Another Lonely Day

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Monday, August 8th, 2011

I spent this whole week at my new condo by myself. The quiet is kind of nice and slightly lonely. I miss the laughter and even some of the stomping around upstairs that means my kids are home and playing. I can’t complain about the free child care and that they are having fun while I work an ungodly amount of hours and try to get my life and future in order but I miss them and don’t want them to think that I don’t have time for them or that I don’t want them around because that just isn’t the case. My babysitter moved back to Boise this week so I am unsure of what child care will look like for the next couple weeks yet. So far I have been able to make it work and still work 50+ hours per week. I find it hard sometimes to be in the silence. I often have my TV or radio on even if I am paying it no attention. Sitting in quiet with my own thoughts can sometimes be overwhelming. I can create chaos in my life with my thoughts alone. I am working everyday not to fear the future and to accept where I am and believe that I do deserve the good things that are coming my way. In fact I did a wedding last Saturday, on top of a 56 hour work week, and the officiant just happened to be Chaplain Karla! Karla is the one who spent 4 days with me at the hospital during the worst days of my life. Once I realized who she was I quickly asked her if she remembered me. It took her a second and then she excitedly exclaimed “WOW you look amazing!” The last time she saw me I was almost 40 pounds thinner and on my death bed. The hospital had sent her to help me prepare myself and my children for me to leave this world. She was so excited to see me and kept telling me how great I looked and how she had left that hospital room praying “God please do something here.” After the ceremony and things had settled down and the long line of guests began to fill their plates we had a chance to sit down and really talk. I spilled everything from my pending divorce, to my health status, to how my kids were handling everything and even about my new guy. After a discussion about my new relationship and the status of my life she looked at me and said “It sounds like God is giving you a gift, why are you afraid to take it?” I was blown away that she noticed in that brief conversation that I have been struggling with my worthiness. She was right, I do struggle with feeling like I deserve the good things in life some times. I need to take myself where I am and believe that I deserve love, appreciation, respect and even health. God did design it that way and I am no more damaged than anyone else. My flaws are just more obvious than some.

I do have a blood draw on Thursday and I am a little anxious as I always am but I feel pretty good for the most part. I have been gaining weight like crazy and have been tired a LOT but a 55 hour work week will do that to anyone. Over all i am trying to enjoy each day and not look too far ahead, even though as a woman that is difficult sometimes :) Today is a long shift but I got to have lunch with my two beautiful daughters and that helped break it up a bit. They are my joy and my strength and I want them to have the best of me always.

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So here begins a new journey…moving into my own condo this week and starting a new chapter

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Monday, July 11th, 2011

So here begins a new journey, I am moving into my own condo this week and starting a new chapter. It has been a long hard road the last few months but I have found some bits of joy along the way. Each day that I spend with my girls is priceless, especially since they have been gone to grandparents most of the summer. I heard little girls laughing in the distance at softball practice yesterday and I kept looking to see if it was my two. My heart aches to spend time playing with them but I know that during this time of transition time to play at the grandparents is a great distraction. They will be back with me soon and we will get settled into our new life. This new life is starting to feel a little better. I am getting used to my independence and starting to see some major light in my days. I find myself in moments of happiness lately, something I thought was kind of gone. I have some amazing people in my life that have shown me that I am worthy of love, respect and even FUN. I have been spending time with some new friends and growing my relationships with some old ones too. It’s exciting to see where things will end up.

I like my job for the most part, it’s a lot of standing and some stress but I like the reward of being praised for my skills and talents with the guests. It reminds me that I do have worth under there somewhere. I am doing well enough that 2 departments are fighting over me lol. It’s hard to decide where I really want to be. Part of me wants to really work towards a long term future here and part wants the heck out of here. Only time will tell.

My leg is still swelling a lot. It’s super frustrating but I refuse to let it get me down. It’s just part of the journey at the moment. Dr. Perez(my surgeon) was at the hotel last week and he was surprised by how well I looked and was doing. His wife came up and talked to me and asked what was my diagnosis ect, I told her that Dr Perez told me I would be lucky to live 4 months back in Nov ’09. Her comment to me was “He’s not God” It put a huge smile on my face. She hugged me and told me she would pray for me as they headed for home. I will be seeing Dr Zuckerman later this month also at the hotel so we will see what he has to say at his visit and I will see him for blood work in early August. Well off to work, time for another beautiful day….

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The good the bad and the difficult…

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Monday, June 13th, 2011

The good the bad and the difficult…

So it’s official, Darick and I are getting a divorce. It’s a very difficult decision that I take very seriously. The transition has been somewhat in place since December and we are just now in a place where we feel like it’s time to take the next step. Thankfully it isn’t an ugly situation for the most part and we are both TRYING our best to be mature and handle it with our children as the biggest priority. I have know since the beginning of this journey that the difficulties in my marriage were a huge part of my illness and it would have to go one way or the other. With that in mind we have (mostly me) been going to counseling and seeing if there is a chance to repair some of the damage and difficulties in our marriage unfortunately we weren’t both invested and maybe not even capable of making that happen. In talking with a pastor last week, he told me “At this point you leaving your marriage isn’t optional its necessary.” With sadness in my heart I believe he is absolutely correct so I am slowly making the steps to find work and a place to live. With that comes a lot of decisions. Where to live?! Do I stay here and battle controversy to ensure he has an easier time seeing the girls or do I move to Boise and have a fresh start where both my Dr.’s and Sister are? It’s a lot to consider and in this transition he is also thinking he will move to Lewiston so he will be even farther away. So many things weighing on my mind so instead of rushing into a lease I have decided to move in with my friend Brian, where the girls and I will be sharing a room in a tiny apartment for now so that I have time to wait on God to help me make those decisions. The Sacrifice is worth not making the wrong choice out of being rushed.

The last few weeks have been full of packing, job interviews and a few moments of pure fun mixed in. I am grateful for my friends and family who show me a little fun in the mix of all the hard stuff. I know that the good stuff is coming. I’m starting to expect it and believe that I deserve it. I have such an amazing group of friends who help keep me on track and I will find my way through the darkness. My daughters bring me joy everyday, even when they are rotten :) , and they keep me going. My goal is to just be there for them as I always have, to try to break the cycle and teach them of there worth and potential. I’ll be so much better on the other side of this I do truly believe that.

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I went snowboarding

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (1)
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Today was a fun day. I went snowboarding. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I got a little sick this afternoon and then went on to snowboard some more. The thought of throwing up keeping me down is funny to me. I have so much more to deal with than a little vomit LOL.

Driving home I had the song “I run for life” playing and I looked over and noticed my girls staring at me. They were both intensely watching me sing that song. It’s one of my favorites and they are obviously getting a lot more aware of the words. The way they were looking at me kind of broke my heart. I know they know how much I love them and they talk about when I am better and have hair again. They are such good girls and very supportive of my diet and other needs. How amazing that they would be so nurturing at such a young age.

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What keeps me going

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (52)
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

I got an email today from a man who has a friend fighting ovarian cancer. He thanked me for sharing my journey and how I had helped him be a better friend to her because of it. It made me very emotional because when I started this journal I had no intentions other than keeping family and friends updated during the process and to document the journey for my small children. Honestly I started my blog for my daughters if, god forbid, I didn’t make it. I wanted them to know that I fought and how often I thought of them during that battle. They are so small and I can’t bare the thought of them forgetting me or ever questioning how I felt about them. There have been days in this journey when it seems so hopeless and I have thought if I didn’t have them I might just give up and let the cancer kill me. I know that is not what I want but there are days when the pain is so much and the emotion so overwhelming that you question your ability to win the fight. It’s people like Josh, the people on Facebook who say I have changed them for the better and my kids that keep me going. I want people to know that the best thing you can do when you are on the bottom of the stack is to keep climbing to the top. You will fall sometimes but you just dust off and climb again.

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