Archive for Darick

Where does time go?

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Monday, November 21st, 2011

Wow, one of my beautiful daughters is 9 years old today! 9 years? Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday I was laying in a giant tub of water giving birth to her. It was on that day that I realized what real love felt like. This over powering desire to protect and care for someone over took me and still to this day I have those feelings. I know that I can’t protect them from the world but I will do my best to show them the right way in life despite the places I fall short. I think showing your kids that even mom falls short is important because I’ve found that people are often more impacted by your short comings and honesty that an ideal that you are perfect and untouchable. I also cherish my time with them so much. I find myself ok with my house being a little messy if I can lay on the couch and snuggle instead. Before I would clean and clean and they would play by themselves. Now I know there is always time to clean. However my house is a wreck right now as I try to get my garage in order enough that I can get my car in there before the snow gets too crazy. I have to make use of Joel before he leaves and it’s back to just me. Lots and lots of organizing left to do…

Darick and I went to our “Focus on the Children” class for our divorce. It’s mandatory in Idaho and even though it was pretty basic stuff it really seemed to impact Darick and I took some good stuff from it too. It seems like he and I are in a better place after the class and I also wrote him a letter explaining my feelings and apologizing for my part in causing our separation. I think the combination of things has impacted him in a positive way. It seems easier for him to be around me and he even came by this morning with sticky buns for Rilynn and came inside and visited a bit before taking the girls to school. It’s nice to be able to be in the same room as him and not feel like he can’t wait to escape.

We went to Lewiston for the weekend to celebrate Joel’s mom and Rilynn’s birthday which happens to be the same day. We went to lunch and the movies and Kris made Rilynn’s favorite, pumpkin pie. She got quite spoiled with sugar and treats and fun. Today we will probably do a special dinner and I am going to take pumpkin pie to school today to celebrate. Only Rilynn would rather have pumpkin pie than cake or cupcakes for her birthday at school.

It’s my last week with Joel and I am working the whole time, kind of a bummer. He is so sweet to me and the girls and we will miss having him around. He is super excited to get on the snow though and I can’t blame him there. I am actually pretty excited myself, but I keep harassing him that it’s too cold and that I like the sun better. The girls and I won’t see him for a month but then we are planning to go up there for a week at Christmas time and ski and hang out. It will be good to see him after so long. His parents were supposed to go during that time too but now his dad has to work so they may not be able to. We’ll see how it all plays out.

Well, back to work. Another day in the life of shore lodge…

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Fleeing the country!

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Monday, October 31st, 2011

2 more days! I can hardly wait to flee the country! I have been working hard this week so that I can afford to take some time off with out using all my PTO. It’s been a crazy several days with working almost 58 hours last week, taking care of kids(thanks to Joel’s help), and getting things packed and ready to go for Wednesdays departure my is house is not in its best condition at the moment. However my priorities are spending one more night with my kids, trick or treating and cuddling sounds like more fun than cleaning house. I feel blessed to be able to travel and spend some time with someone I care so much about. I am taking a couple of books that I think are important to my healing some things in my life and hope to spend a little time by the pool reading and relaxing. I am also hoping for some adventure. I’m sure we will do some hiking, surfing, kayaking and maybe some ziplining or something. Mostly I am just excited to just get to BE with Joel in a beautiful stress free environment. I am getting used to him being around and really appreciate his help so I am kind of dreading the day he goes back to Whitefish. He is so easy-going and good to me. I am still getting used to all the changes in my life. He’s so good with the girls too, when I pick the girls up from school they always asked “Is Joel at home?” I’m glad it has been such an easy transition for all of us. It’s been pretty easy with Darick and Laura too. Laura is a kind person and I can see a lot of the old me in her. I can see she and I being friends some day and I can tell that she really does care about the girls so that is all I can ask for. Darick just rented a place here in McCall so maybe he will be around more to help but we will see. It’s strange to me how different life is almost a year later. My divorce should be final soon and the new chapter will officially be on its way. Speaking of chapters, I think I am really going to get back to where I was with trying to write my book. I am also considering going to school to be a life coach or counselor of some kind. One of the things that Mark said to me is “What are you going to do with the time spent on cancer when you are well?” “If you put that energy into something positive you wouldn’t have time to be sick.” So I am evaluating that a lot and those are the two things I get asked about often. “Have you ever thought about being a counselor?” and “Have you ever thought about writing a book?” So here goes! I am ready and willing to see where it goes.

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Nothing but Good Stuff

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (1)
Thursday, August 18th, 2011

I am ready for the good stuff. I am ready for the happy ending. I am ready for joy and excitement both. I believe those days are on their way. I actually see bits and pieces of them already. However sometimes they are clouded by others misconceptions and ability to see ugliness in something that was never intended the way they perceive it. I was approached yesterday by my ex husband in regards to my journal and facebook. He has been told that I am righting negative things about him which is not the case in any way shape or form. I actually have nothing negative to say about Darick. He and I are doing our best to facilitate a good relationship for our two beautiful daughters. In all actuality I have even made very kind comments about he and his new girlfriend. If you come to MY blog to try to stir up trouble or to manipulate my words into something negative then all I really have to say is, maybe you should spend your time somewhere else besides my journal. This is a place for me to share my thoughts and journey with those that love me and for me to leave a positive legacy for my children. It is not a gossip site nor do I EVER intend to use it to air my dirty laundry about my marriage. I think that is both immature and damaging to my children. Take my words for what they are and not what you can make them into. I loved Darick very much and am grateful for 10 years and 2 beautiful, amazing daughters. I can’t say that I will never talk about Darick and our interactions because that is my life and that’s where I am, and last time I checked this is my blog. Basically I want to use this to impact my children someday, bring awareness to others about ovarian cancer and be a positive light(to the best of my human ability) to all that read it. As my aunt Teri says “Be a blessing, or be quiet.”

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Another Chapter

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Monday, August 1st, 2011

Well there has been some big ups and downs this last few weeks. In the down side, we lost our dear friend Bob to cancer last week. It was VERY difficult for all of us, especially my mom, because it is so close to home. He was such an amazing man with a contagious smile and a heart of gold. He was diagnosed with colon cancer just a couple months ago and it took him down fast. It was really hard to watch him suffer and ultimately he kind of gave up. He told my mom in the final days that he was ready and that he didn’t want to burden his wife anymore. That statement will stick with me forever because I have felt that way at times but then I realize to some degree my value is worth more than the burden. If he only knew how much we all cared about him and that attitude is such a huge part of it maybe he could have hung on a little longer. It has been a difficult time for all involved but for me it made me a little fearful of what the future might hold but then I realize that fearing it won’t change it and strength and perseverance are the key to staying well as long as I can. I have a blood draw next week and I have a little anxiety about it as usual but then at the same time I feel pretty good other than the tiredness that NEVER seems to go away. No pain and no discomfort so far so I can’t complain too much. My leg is either maybe a little better or I am just getting used to it at this point. I have gained some weight which is frustrating but I think that has a lot more to do with lack of activity since I stand all day at work and am so tired when I get home that I don’t cook like I should. I am determined to get back on track and get better results. Mark has recently told me that he doesn’t expect me to be so restricted forever so I have been trying to have a somewhat normal, yet healthy diet.

On the positive side I have a guy in my life that is a breath of fresh air in the chaos that is my life . He is so kind and thoughtful that it kind of blows me away at times. He and I worked together at Tamarack a few years ago and he has been an amazing friend. He has been an active part of this journey for me, making sure to come to see me frequently and participating in several of my fundraisers. He has always been a super great guy but in being a supportive and helping me get through some of the recent transition we became really close and something new and exciting has been developing. I had so many thoughts that nobody else would ever want me so this is new and kind of scary for me. It is also kind of exciting and fun. The idea of having a future that looks bright is a new concept for me. The adventure and the joy have been outstanding. I was absolutely NOT looking to date but it just kind of happened out of nowhere. I can’t say that I am disappointed either.

I also met Daricks girlfriend Laura this week. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it at first but she seems nice and she is really pretty. As long as she treats the girls well I don’t have much to complain about. At first I felt a little resentment toward her but the more I look at myself and why I feel that way I have had a chance to process and release those feelings. Ultimately the best thing for my girls is for Darick to change and if that takes me leaving and a new girl teaching him then so be it. I have struggled with him not having time to spend with the girls and I in the past but now he has every weekend available for the new girl and her kids. However I have to let it go and see that there is something good out there waiting for me as well. The good stuff is coming, I’m expecting it…

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The good the bad and the difficult…

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Monday, June 13th, 2011

The good the bad and the difficult…

So it’s official, Darick and I are getting a divorce. It’s a very difficult decision that I take very seriously. The transition has been somewhat in place since December and we are just now in a place where we feel like it’s time to take the next step. Thankfully it isn’t an ugly situation for the most part and we are both TRYING our best to be mature and handle it with our children as the biggest priority. I have know since the beginning of this journey that the difficulties in my marriage were a huge part of my illness and it would have to go one way or the other. With that in mind we have (mostly me) been going to counseling and seeing if there is a chance to repair some of the damage and difficulties in our marriage unfortunately we weren’t both invested and maybe not even capable of making that happen. In talking with a pastor last week, he told me “At this point you leaving your marriage isn’t optional its necessary.” With sadness in my heart I believe he is absolutely correct so I am slowly making the steps to find work and a place to live. With that comes a lot of decisions. Where to live?! Do I stay here and battle controversy to ensure he has an easier time seeing the girls or do I move to Boise and have a fresh start where both my Dr.’s and Sister are? It’s a lot to consider and in this transition he is also thinking he will move to Lewiston so he will be even farther away. So many things weighing on my mind so instead of rushing into a lease I have decided to move in with my friend Brian, where the girls and I will be sharing a room in a tiny apartment for now so that I have time to wait on God to help me make those decisions. The Sacrifice is worth not making the wrong choice out of being rushed.

The last few weeks have been full of packing, job interviews and a few moments of pure fun mixed in. I am grateful for my friends and family who show me a little fun in the mix of all the hard stuff. I know that the good stuff is coming. I’m starting to expect it and believe that I deserve it. I have such an amazing group of friends who help keep me on track and I will find my way through the darkness. My daughters bring me joy everyday, even when they are rotten :) , and they keep me going. My goal is to just be there for them as I always have, to try to break the cycle and teach them of there worth and potential. I’ll be so much better on the other side of this I do truly believe that.

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It’s been a bit of a emotional roller coast the last few weeks.

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Friday, November 12th, 2010

Lots to say since my last entry.  It’s been a bit of a emotional roller coast the last few weeks.  I left town on November 4th, exactly 1 year to the day of my second surgery where I was told to tell my girls goodbye and prepare them to expect me to pass with in 4-5 months.  I had a blood draw that morning before the flight and my numbers were back up to 179 but nothing to be too concerned about. I will have labs and a CT in 3 months to see where things stand.  That will be a full 6 months since my last scan and should give us some good indicators of where things are.  It’s kind of crazy that I left 1 year to the day to be with my brother after he had to come to be with me 1 year earlier.  I am so grateful that I am well enough to be a stable functioning family member.  It was an emotional trip and a great time all in one.  We got everything sold or donated and then got him on a flight.  It was a LONG drive back but it was worth it. Then the day after we got home I had to turn right around and take Rilynn back to Boise to the eye therapist.  It was lots of driving and all happened to land on my dads birthday.  He would have been 52 this year.

This week has been super busy! Hockey, figure skating, planning for the bakery and cleaning and unpacking.  Today was a great day.  I met with Mark to discuss the plans for the bakery/cafe and it went really well. I am so excited to get it going and he wants it done ASAP and I am all for that.  I hope I can get the details all together quickly and get the build out done in a manor we can swing. Darick is so busy that I hope he can make some time to get the construction done so that I can get in there but I will be doing the made to order stuff as soon as this coming week and the bakery with in the next couple weeks for sure.  I am exciting about being able to help change peoples lives through food and my story.

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I love cooking healthy

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Friday, October 22nd, 2010

I made a really good(Darick said) hamburger helper alternative.  I cooked brown rice elbow noodles and then browned some hamburger and then added a can of organic pizza/past sauce and a heaping scoop of greek yogurt and about a 1/8 C of barbeque salsa, and topped with cheese.  Darick loved it and it was easy for me.  I love cooking healthy.

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During this fast I have really learned about my fear of being “without”.

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (0)
Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

During this fast I have really learned about my fear of being “without”.  Before the fast I would eat things I normally wouldn’t because I knew I was going to be without soon.  I developed a new respect for eating disorders because when Darick and the girls stopped for a burger and fries(which never happens because we don’t have any here) I could visualize my self eating the entire bag of fries and then purging it from my body.  I have never been like that in my whole life…I didn’t eat the fries if you’re curious :)  I just don’t want to fast anymore.  I think short frequent fasts would be better for me.  I hate how I can’t really focus while fasting and it makes it hard to be a mommy.  I’m not good at laying low and doing nothing but when I try to do things I feel weak, nauseous and dumb.  Day 7 so almost there…

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I’m well into over three days of fasting

By Crystal Fernandez-Seid · Comments (1)
Saturday, May 22nd, 2010

I’m well into over three days of fasting. Today was a little easier but I still want to eat so badly. It makes you very aware of your body and different things going on around you. I’ve spent the last 3 and a half days having water only except for a half of a Kombucha to help with a headache. It seems like the days go by so slowly. I keep watching the clock just hoping that it will be bed time and off to the next day. Mark says I have to do a longer one after the CT and that makes me a little nervous because this has been hard enough but I know I can do it. I’m trying to keep thinking that it will be helpful to me long term but I’m ready to not be light headed when I get up and move around. I also would love to have energy to go for a run or play some hockey. This weakness reminds me of being on chemo.

Today I learned that some of my family feels like I have been disconnected recently. I didn’t feel that way but I have been doing a lot of self evaluation stuff and trying to get by day by day doing it all on my own. However Darick is back now and should be here most of the time now and that will make it a little easier. This blog is my outlet so that I don’t have to talk about it all the time and a way for me to let people know what I am thinking without having to call everyone and go through it over and over. I’m sorry if I have been distant or people feel like I am different. I didn’t intend to hurt anyones feelings. I have been told that I am different now and I am glad to say that I really am but I believe in a good way. I appreciate life a little more and have not put as much effort into everyone else and have settled in to figure out where my happiness lies and spending time with my kids. Now that Darick is back I am hoping to see all of you a lot more and have some free time. Summer is coming and that will make my schedule a lot more flexible.

I love you all even if I haven’t seen you as much as I would like :)

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