On Monday I woke up bright and early after 4 days of fasting and headed to Boise for a scan. I then went and had some lunch with my girl Jenna before heading back to see Dr Perez(my surgeon) He did a pap and an exam and then gave me the news I dreaded most. He said “I can’t do the surgery.” He said that there is a rock hard mass at the top of the vaginal wall and it is too close to the colon to be able to do the surgery. He requested that I go back on chemo and see if we can get it to “soften up.” He told me that he believed I had a good reaction the the Gemzar treatment and that he would recommend we try that again. I told him that I couldn’t walk, that’s not a good reaction and that my oncologist told me that if I went back on chemo I would have to stay down there. Not only do I not want to live in a Boise hospital I don’t believe it was working. I told him that I believe in what I am doing and he asked me to schedule with my oncologist anyway. I felt hot tears running down my face and was in kind of a state of shock I think. Dr. Perez and Martha sat there with me as I cried and explained how I felt. They were kind but they can not truly know how it feels to not be able to wear jeans or a swim suit. How it feels to not be able to work or go to church because it’s too quiet and what if it makes noise always in your thoughts. They can’t know how it feels to not want your husband to look at you. They tried to soothe me and I left there feeling a little hopeless. As I walked to my car I kind of felt like I was in a tunnel and there weren’t even tears. I was glad I was alone because I am such a private person and I needed that time to gather myself and to only care about my emotions and nobody elses. I called Mark and he was kind as usual and told me that he believed that a hard mass is good meaning that it was calcifying and that it then starts to deteriorate. He is kind and even though he doesn’t know how I feel he tries to reassure me the best he can.

I text Jenna and we decided that a relaxing pedicure would be a good option so we headed to the mall for some foot rubs. It was nice to get to relax and feel spoiled. I haven’t spoiled myself in a long time and I found a couple cute new dresses for summer(if it ever comes) that made me feel a little better about hiding my ostomy. My first thought was to go home and have a raging angry fit on my closet. I get tired of looking at the clothes in my closet that I can’t wear but I decided that wouldn’t really make me feel better so finding something cute to wear might On my way to Ross I got a call from Marika. Despite her rough day(she was the hospital with a fever) she was a comfort to me. We talked as only cancer patients can talk to each other. We talked about our body’s, how we felt unattractive and how the emotional toll takes over you some times. She is kind and loving and I am so grateful for her. I had lots of shopping to do and stops to make so when I finally headed for home after a LONG day at 10 pm I had a melt down. Something that I don’t think I have ever really let happen in my life. I was alone, had some great music going and I just sobbed and cried out to God. I yelled and let myself be REALLY angry for the first time that I can remember and then as quickly as it started it was over. The tears were dry and the redness left my face and once again I was in a state of numbness almost. I know that there is nothing I can do to change this right now and all I can do is keep working on me. I realize that I can live like this for now. There is no threat to my life, my kidneys are functioning and my bowl blockage is non existent. The greatest hurdle in my life is this ostomy and I can’t do the surgery myself so I better just figure out more ways to get around it for the time being. I don’t have to be happy about it, I just have to accepting of it for now.

I’m headed in today to go over my scan with Mark but he says there is no growth and that in it’s self is good news. There was a time when the growth was expected to take over my system and end my life so this is GOOD news. I need to just keep plugging along and enjoying the moments I have. Rilynn and I have a hockey game and on the ice is one place where what I have under my gear doesn’t matter. I wish I could change in the locker room like “normal” people but I can make due…I don’t have a choice