Help Crystal Fight Ovarian Cancer » Blood Draw

Numbers, Numbers, Numbers

Crystal Fernandez-Seid — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 18:13:12 +0000

Well I haven’t had my blood drawn in a few months and have been working my butt off and it is starting to show. The stress and the extra hours are not helping me want to eat my normal diet and it is drastically affecting my body. I have gain a large amount of weight in just a couple of weeks and I can tell that I look bloated and my digestion isn’t working quite right. I knew that something didn’t feel quite right and wasn’t surprised yesterday when I found out that my CA-125 had skyrocketed to 322. i am very aware of my body and can tell when it isn’t functioning at its potential. Hopefully I can get through the next 2 weeks and then get my hours cut back to a normal 40 hour week and get on top of my diet. I am considering some other treatment options but haven’t settled on anything specific yet. I might look at Cancer Treatment Centers and see what is an option for an uninsured patient and do some serious thinking. I think getting my diet back on track will make a significant difference.

I am amazed at people. Today both a house keeper and a manager came up and asked how they could pray for me besides the obvious. It took all I had not to cry. The people here really are kind and genuine. I also got a hug from my friend Ann Marie who recently lost her mother in law to cancer so she definitely understands the effects. She is so sweet and recently transferred out of our department because the stress was too much for her and her relationship right now. Sometimes I think I should look into transferring too but I like my co-workers and dealing with guest but it is an exhausting experience at times. I can tell you that God puts you in situations to teach you and I can say when I travel I will be so much more patient with the staff. I have learned patience and skill both in this job. I am excited to go away for a few days this fall. We aren’t sure where yet but we are thinking maybe Vegas in the fall. A good break from life is so valuable for me. I still struggle at times with feeling like a burden at times. I hate that my being sick affects so many people. I am grateful for all the extra support though.

Another Lonely Day

Crystal Fernandez-Seid — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 21:38:02 +0000

I spent this whole week at my new condo by myself. The quiet is kind of nice and slightly lonely. I miss the laughter and even some of the stomping around upstairs that means my kids are home and playing. I can’t complain about the free child care and that they are having fun while I work an ungodly amount of hours and try to get my life and future in order but I miss them and don’t want them to think that I don’t have time for them or that I don’t want them around because that just isn’t the case. My babysitter moved back to Boise this week so I am unsure of what child care will look like for the next couple weeks yet. So far I have been able to make it work and still work 50+ hours per week. I find it hard sometimes to be in the silence. I often have my TV or radio on even if I am paying it no attention. Sitting in quiet with my own thoughts can sometimes be overwhelming. I can create chaos in my life with my thoughts alone. I am working everyday not to fear the future and to accept where I am and believe that I do deserve the good things that are coming my way. In fact I did a wedding last Saturday, on top of a 56 hour work week, and the officiant just happened to be Chaplain Karla! Karla is the one who spent 4 days with me at the hospital during the worst days of my life. Once I realized who she was I quickly asked her if she remembered me. It took her a second and then she excitedly exclaimed “WOW you look amazing!” The last time she saw me I was almost 40 pounds thinner and on my death bed. The hospital had sent her to help me prepare myself and my children for me to leave this world. She was so excited to see me and kept telling me how great I looked and how she had left that hospital room praying “God please do something here.” After the ceremony and things had settled down and the long line of guests began to fill their plates we had a chance to sit down and really talk. I spilled everything from my pending divorce, to my health status, to how my kids were handling everything and even about my new guy. After a discussion about my new relationship and the status of my life she looked at me and said “It sounds like God is giving you a gift, why are you afraid to take it?” I was blown away that she noticed in that brief conversation that I have been struggling with my worthiness. She was right, I do struggle with feeling like I deserve the good things in life some times. I need to take myself where I am and believe that I deserve love, appreciation, respect and even health. God did design it that way and I am no more damaged than anyone else. My flaws are just more obvious than some.

I do have a blood draw on Thursday and I am a little anxious as I always am but I feel pretty good for the most part. I have been gaining weight like crazy and have been tired a LOT but a 55 hour work week will do that to anyone. Over all i am trying to enjoy each day and not look too far ahead, even though as a woman that is difficult sometimes Today is a long shift but I got to have lunch with my two beautiful daughters and that helped break it up a bit. They are my joy and my strength and I want them to have the best of me always.

Another Chapter

Crystal Fernandez-Seid — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 01:33:30 +0000

Well there has been some big ups and downs this last few weeks. In the down side, we lost our dear friend Bob to cancer last week. It was VERY difficult for all of us, especially my mom, because it is so close to home. He was such an amazing man with a contagious smile and a heart of gold. He was diagnosed with colon cancer just a couple months ago and it took him down fast. It was really hard to watch him suffer and ultimately he kind of gave up. He told my mom in the final days that he was ready and that he didn’t want to burden his wife anymore. That statement will stick with me forever because I have felt that way at times but then I realize to some degree my value is worth more than the burden. If he only knew how much we all cared about him and that attitude is such a huge part of it maybe he could have hung on a little longer. It has been a difficult time for all involved but for me it made me a little fearful of what the future might hold but then I realize that fearing it won’t change it and strength and perseverance are the key to staying well as long as I can. I have a blood draw next week and I have a little anxiety about it as usual but then at the same time I feel pretty good other than the tiredness that NEVER seems to go away. No pain and no discomfort so far so I can’t complain too much. My leg is either maybe a little better or I am just getting used to it at this point. I have gained some weight which is frustrating but I think that has a lot more to do with lack of activity since I stand all day at work and am so tired when I get home that I don’t cook like I should. I am determined to get back on track and get better results. Mark has recently told me that he doesn’t expect me to be so restricted forever so I have been trying to have a somewhat normal, yet healthy diet.

On the positive side I have a guy in my life that is a breath of fresh air in the chaos that is my life . He is so kind and thoughtful that it kind of blows me away at times. He and I worked together at Tamarack a few years ago and he has been an amazing friend. He has been an active part of this journey for me, making sure to come to see me frequently and participating in several of my fundraisers. He has always been a super great guy but in being a supportive and helping me get through some of the recent transition we became really close and something new and exciting has been developing. I had so many thoughts that nobody else would ever want me so this is new and kind of scary for me. It is also kind of exciting and fun. The idea of having a future that looks bright is a new concept for me. The adventure and the joy have been outstanding. I was absolutely NOT looking to date but it just kind of happened out of nowhere. I can’t say that I am disappointed either.

I also met Daricks girlfriend Laura this week. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it at first but she seems nice and she is really pretty. As long as she treats the girls well I don’t have much to complain about. At first I felt a little resentment toward her but the more I look at myself and why I feel that way I have had a chance to process and release those feelings. Ultimately the best thing for my girls is for Darick to change and if that takes me leaving and a new girl teaching him then so be it. I have struggled with him not having time to spend with the girls and I in the past but now he has every weekend available for the new girl and her kids. However I have to let it go and see that there is something good out there waiting for me as well. The good stuff is coming, I’m expecting it…

I am hoping for the best.

Crystal Fernandez-Seid — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 02:25:14 +0000

Today was long and tiring but good I think. I walked into the hospital today and was surrounded by all the cancer patients all I could think is how they don’t know any better. I had my blood draw and should have my results tomorrow. My oncologist is so insistent that it has to be the chemo that is helping even though I haven’t had chemo in almost three months. He tried to bully me a little bit into thinking what I am doing could not be working. We’ll see when my numbers come back how things are working. I am hoping for the best.

Tomorrow is blood draw day.

Crystal Fernandez-Seid — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 04:42:52 +0000

Tomorrow is blood draw day. I always feel so much anxiety when these days come around. It is what it is–though–so here goes.