Help Crystal Fight Ovarian Cancer

Costa Rica

2011-11-10T16:42:56Z

Well we are back from a short trip to Costa Rica. It was an amazing experience and something I would love to do again some day. It was WAY too short. By the time we spent a day flying there and a day flying home we really only had 4 whole days to experience it all. It was a surprise to Joel where we were going and even the lady checking us in for the flight helped me to keep him from seeing or hearing anything. He didn’t know where we were going until we arrived in Dallas and I had given a few hints and he had it all figured out. We boarded our last flight and headed out. When we arrived in Costa Rica we got through customs fairly quickly and headed to get our rental car. Upon arriving at the rental company(who took their sweet time) we learned that we were 4-5 hours away from our resort and they advised us to stay over night and go in the morning but being the stubborn go-getters that Joel and I are we decided to go for it. We got all our stuff loaded in our “mini car” and headed into the darkness. Thank God that Joel drove and had experience in driving in Peru(which he still maintains is much worse) because I would have probably either driven VERY slow or had a panic attack. When we first left the city the roads weren’t too bad and I was certain that we would be fine to travel. As the adventure went on, the roads got narrower, the pot holes got bigger and the drivers coming the other direction got crazier but Joel handled it all and got us safely to the hotel by 1 am just 4 hours later. I wasn’t much help and decided to sleep most of the way. It was hard to see much of the country since it was pitch black but one of the first things we noticed was that the moon was “upside down”. It was a half-moon but it sat in the sky like a smiling mouth rather than how we usually see it in our sky at home. The next morning we woke up in our beautiful resort and I gorged myself on fresh fruit, mostly pineapple. It was a good start to the day and we walked down to the beach to see the ocean up close. The sand was kind of dark from the volcanic sand but it was soft and the water was warm. We walked quite a ways down the sand and just enjoyed the warmth and time together. After a nice walk we headed back for lunch and sat by the pool for a while. It was nice to spend a whole day just relaxing. The next morning we did some relaxing at the resort again and then drove out for the first time in the day light. It was amazing to see the local people. The tiny huts with wide open doors to let the breeze in and many of them with bars and wires to protect them. We drove past a small village school that looked more like a prison than a school as it was surrounded by razor wire and gates. It wasn’t unusual to see small children or even babies on motorcycles, no helmets of course. I was blown away by the amount of small kids on motorcycles at full speed on these somewhat dangerous roads. They also seem to have no fear and would often sit right on the side of the road while traffic rushed by. There were large amounts of people on bicycles, and small children wandering around by themselves. This was more surprising to me than anything based on the wire and bars that indicated a high amount of crime but they didn’t seem to have any fear. I found myself trying to take in every sight! I wanted to experience everything this country had to offer. Once we got out to the main road we spent the afternoon shopping in a small town called Coco Beach. We found souvenirs for our families and had a good time just seeing the locals at work. On day 3 we waiting to hear from Riley and TJ because they were supposed to be on a bus from Samara to spend the night with us. After a long wait and not much information we finally decided to go for a drive. We spent the rest of the afternoon checking out other beaches and hiking up a hill to watch the sunset. When we arrived back to the resort we got word from Riley that they were in Liberia about an hour away and were waiting for us to pick them up. We got back in our car and made the trek back to get them. They joined us for the evening and we walked to beach at night, caught fireflies, went to the disco and went for a late night swim. It was great to get to share the experience with such good friends. It was a bummer that we couldn’t stay longer and see more with them. We stayed up until super and finally all crashed back in the room. The last full day I woke up at 6:30(accidentally due to Joel’s watch being wrong) I wanted to get one last moment of sun and peace before we headed out. We had breakfast with the boys and then packed our things and left them behind. They kept our room for the extra night because we had decided to head to San Jose later that night rather than trying to make the 4 hr trek the next morning. We drove just over 3 hours to the town of La Fortuna where we spent the afternoon climbing down a riverbed and repelling down amazing waterfalls. It was amazing. We started out(late, thanks to Google maps. There are very few road signs so we were lost ish a lot) by joining one other couple and getting into our “jungle limo” it was a small pickup with benches in the back and a tarp over the top. It was a mountain climb through small villages and stunning country side. When we finally reached the top they got us all geared up and we headed down the mountain. It was a neat way to see the country and a fun experience for Joel and I. I was a little nervous at the first waterfall but once I got started I loved it. I would gladly do it again. At one point we had to jump from the rocks into a small pool, and then at another point they dammed off the water so we could climb down a small fall and then sat us at the bottom and let it go, It rushed over us with such force I thought it might blow us out of the crevasse. Once we were finished(about 4 hours later) we changed into dry clothes just as it began to pour rain. We sat in our little tree house “cafe” eating a traditional Costa Rican lunch and watching the rain fall. At that point we got to see our pictures and laugh at how silly we were. After lunch we headed back down the mountain in our “limo” and started the long trek back to San Jose. We stayed in a quaint little cottage type village that night and settled into the idea that our trip was nearing the end. I was sad and considered not going home, except for the fact that I missed my girls. We woke early and gathered everything up to return the car and get to the airport. We had one last breakfast of amazing fresh fruit before we left and got on our way. Joel of course had to take the last opportunity to drive like a crazy person before returning the car and returning to the states where roads are wide and marked. We finally got the car returned(it took a while again) and got all of our bags checked in at the airport. I was sad to leave. The adventure and retreat were way too wonderful to let go of so easily. I knew I was headed back to a job that I hate and the fun of sharing my kids and I could feel the stomach ache starting. I had felt so free for 5 days and now the thought of heading back was daunting. I reluctantly got on the plane and we ended up leaving 45 minutes late thanks to immigrations that combined with the long lines to get through customs eventually caused us to miss our flight in Dallas. We literally got there as she was shutting the doors. I was really bummed because we had planned to have dinner with Brandy Chavez in Denver during our lay over. Since we didn’t get to see her after all she got Joel and I massages, she is SO kind. We finally got boarded and yet again had to wait because of a thunderstorm. We finally got to Denver and then back to Boise. I slept almost the entire way and finally got into my bed at 2:30am and had to open at work at 7. All in all it was the best trip. It is amazing to travel with someone who loves you. Joel made the comment that he had waited so long for someone to travel with. I felt the same way and even when I was tired and cranky he loved me anyway. It’s an incredible feeling to be able to travel so freely with someone.

Fleeing the country!

2011-10-31T21:49:35Z

2 more days! I can hardly wait to flee the country! I have been working hard this week so that I can afford to take some time off with out using all my PTO. It’s been a crazy several days with working almost 58 hours last week, taking care of kids(thanks to Joel’s help), and getting things packed and ready to go for Wednesdays departure my is house is not in its best condition at the moment. However my priorities are spending one more night with my kids, trick or treating and cuddling sounds like more fun than cleaning house. I feel blessed to be able to travel and spend some time with someone I care so much about. I am taking a couple of books that I think are important to my healing some things in my life and hope to spend a little time by the pool reading and relaxing. I am also hoping for some adventure. I’m sure we will do some hiking, surfing, kayaking and maybe some ziplining or something. Mostly I am just excited to just get to BE with Joel in a beautiful stress free environment. I am getting used to him being around and really appreciate his help so I am kind of dreading the day he goes back to Whitefish. He is so easy-going and good to me. I am still getting used to all the changes in my life. He’s so good with the girls too, when I pick the girls up from school they always asked “Is Joel at home?” I’m glad it has been such an easy transition for all of us. It’s been pretty easy with Darick and Laura too. Laura is a kind person and I can see a lot of the old me in her. I can see she and I being friends some day and I can tell that she really does care about the girls so that is all I can ask for. Darick just rented a place here in McCall so maybe he will be around more to help but we will see. It’s strange to me how different life is almost a year later. My divorce should be final soon and the new chapter will officially be on its way. Speaking of chapters, I think I am really going to get back to where I was with trying to write my book. I am also considering going to school to be a life coach or counselor of some kind. One of the things that Mark said to me is “What are you going to do with the time spent on cancer when you are well?” “If you put that energy into something positive you wouldn’t have time to be sick.” So I am evaluating that a lot and those are the two things I get asked about often. “Have you ever thought about being a counselor?” and “Have you ever thought about writing a book?” So here goes! I am ready and willing to see where it goes.

I am so excited I can hardly stand it!

2011-10-31T15:28:45Z

So we are about a week away from our trip and I am so excited I can hardly stand it! I am so proud of myself that I have kept it a secret from Joel and that I haven’t even hinted. Those of you that know me well know that I am a terrible liar and not very good at surprises. I can keep a secret when it’s important though. I think he’s excited too. I have to work 9 days in a row and then I am off for 6 days! I wish we could stay longer but with work and my girls that’s all I could get away for. It is going to be such an adventure and I am excited to have a few days with Joel that don’t include kids, cooking, cleaning or work. To get to relax and just enjoy being together is going to be such a treat before he heads back to Whitefish in a couple of weeks. I am excited to share an adventure and look forward to many more in the future.

We got to spend most of this last weekend with Darin and Sunnie and we had such a good time. I haven’t gotten a lot of quality time with her in a long time and it was fun to finally get together as 2 couples. We had dinner and hung out and even went out dancing Saturday night. Sunnie and I smiled at each other the next morning as we talked about how happy we are now and how we couldn’t have had so much fun in the past without feeling like we were going to be in trouble later. We laughed our butts off and were our silly selves. It’s so good to be accepted as I truly am. I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. Joel accepts Sunnie and I in our overly honest and crazy state and just takes as we are. He appreciates how close we are and is happy to get right in the middle of it all with Darin.

When we finally rolled out of bed Sunday, after dancing all night and then coming home and playing games until the wee hours of the morning, we headed to my mom’s for some relaxation and visiting. It’s always good to be at Mom’s. It feels like home and all my old memories are there, pictures and stories of what was and the excitement for what is yet to come. My mom loves Joel too, what’s not to love?, and I know she can see a difference in me and is happy about it. She is excited to meet Joel’s parents and might spend Christmas with me in Whitefish this year too. I might even have Joel get her on a snowboard. We visited and watched a movie and as usual time got away from us and we were headed home later than we planned. We did get to go to dinner with Gwen and mom though and that was a nice end to the weekend. Gwen has been through so much yet she is still a pillar of strength and I admire her.

Work has been crazy, 2 more people quit! Leaving us with 3 employees and a new manager that starts today. The 2 girls that quit will be gone at the same time that I leave for my trip leaving 2 people to cover. Oh well maybe they will learn something and start to treat their employees better??? Speaking of work I better get to it. The count down is on! YAY

Where does time go?

2011-10-31T15:26:00Z

Today my sister Kenna turns 30 years old! I can’t believe how fast life goes. The other day I told someone that ” I just turned 30″ but now that Kenna is 30 that means it was 5 months ago! Where does time go and how do I find time to do it all. I want to see everyone that I love and I can’t always squeeze it all in. I had breakfast with Kim, I had lunch with Sunnie and Joel and then stopped at Kenna’s to wish her a happy birthday and then headed to see my Carl after dinner. It’s always a rushed trip trying to see everyone amongst working 6 days this week and I still managed to hurt feelings. I hate that I can’t do it all. I knew that being a single parent, working full-time and having a new relationship was going to be a challenge at times but i just have to remind myself that I am human and at times I will fall short. I thank God for all the support I have. I have such amazing family and friends that are always willing to step up and pick up the slack. I’m not always good at asking for help so I grateful for those in my life who just take charge. Tina called yesterday because she wanted to hang out and help me get my garage organized and get wood. She is so amazing and I never have to ask, she just does. My mom is always there to help with the kids or my puppies or whatever she can. She has been my example of doing it all. She too battled through as a single mom and did her best to meet all of our needs and wants while working full-time. During my last hospitalization she drove up and got the kids and played super mom, horse caretaker and photographer to ensure that my episode didn’t affect Rilynn’s opportunity to have her very first Rodeo. Even though I was sad I couldn’t be there I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there besides my mom. I knew the girls were in good hands. Then there’s Brian. The one that is constantly gentle, pushing me to set the standard but without completely over doing it. He likes to keep me motivated and is ALWAYS there when I need him to pick up girls or hang pictures. My Sunnie. My constant daily reminder that even though I am damaged and broken that she thinks I am unstoppable. She and I share a heart and a set of lungs at times I swear. The weird ESP that we have with each other is unbelievable. My girls, They remind me each day what love is supposed to be. They teach me each day new things and to be patient. I work hard to ensure that I can learn things to ensure I raise them in a way that I can be proud of and they inspire growth in me each day. The rest of my friends and family that care so much about me. They are always there for me, when I look back at the efforts of Matt and Brandy. My Dad, Mom and Norma(and all the Seid’s) Kayla and Joey and all that they have done for me I am overwhelmed with emotions. I have such amazing gifts in each of them being in my life. Now I have a new gift too, Joel. He keeps me stable, honest and whole. He is my rock and the opposing view of my insanity at times. When I am falling apart at the seams he stands strong and helps me see what really matters. He treats me like a princess with his kindness and he might be one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met. He listens, which is new for me, and he even talks back at times. He is so even-tempered and one of my favorite things is that when I am with Joel I am the real ME. I don’t have to hide the silly side or be worried that he might be offended by some of the off-color conversations that we have in my family. I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. I love that I can be silly with Sunnie and Kenna and not be looking over my shoulder to see if I am going to be in trouble later. The last few months have been huge growth for me. I have let go of some old guards that I had up and have learned to trust someone who really has good intentions for me. Sometimes I feel sad and have regrets about my past relationship. I see places where I fell short too, but I know now that I can see where I have learned so much from those experiences and the success that education will bring me in the future. I am excited and grateful to see what the future will be.

Oh and on an even better note both my legs are normal size!!!

Ready to tackle things again

2011-10-31T15:20:31Z

I can’t believe it is October already and it is nearing the 2 year mark when I chose to leave the traditional medicine world and journey out into the world of holistic/natural medicine. Its a weird ironic moment for me as I realize that I am right back to the start of this journey in so many ways. My emotions running rampant and trying to make the best decisions to help ensure the future I want with my girls and my new-found joys in life. It’s strange to find myself back in this place of having to re-gather myself and get back on track. I haven’t ventured that far from my diet, even though Mark has given me a little more freedom at this point to live somewhat of a “normal” life. However I think the emotional part of my journey is somewhat at the beginning again. I find myself struggling with my worthiness and Mark and I had to have the “what is really going on here?” talk. I realized that I am allowing my emotional struggles to over ride my joy and Mark made an interesting comment to me, that when my Dad died I learned innately that when things get hard you can just “check out.” I had never thought about it like that and I have really had to think that through in my head a lot lately. I can see where parts of that could be valid but knowing that I would never take my life as my father did because of what it felt like for me, Is cancer my subconscious way of not “choosing” it but finding a way out? Pondering this is a big part of my day right now. Trying to find what it is that I am getting out of being sick. Is there a sick belief in me that I am not worthy of love and this is the way that I get the love I am needing? Painful but possible I guess. I found when I was sick there were many people in my life who had been unkind suddenly stepped up in support of me, at least to my face. I’m not sure if that’s the whole truth of where this is coming from but it is definitely something I have been thinking about. Despite the effort Darick and I put in we often find ourselves disagreeing, yet when I am in the hospital most of that melts away so maybe to a degree I am getting a brief rest from life’s burdens by being sick. So this is where I decide that I WANT TO LIVE, even during the hard stuff, Even when things aren’t fun and enjoyable. My ringtone is a song by India Arie “Beautiful Day.” It reminds me to think about perspective and actively fight the demons in my head. It begins with, “Life is a journey not a destination.” “There are no mistakes just chances we’ve taken.” “Lay down your regrets cause all we have is now.” Wake up in the morning and get out of bed, start making a mental list in my head, of all of the things I am grateful for.” “Early in the morning, it’s the dawn of a new day.” “New hopes, new dreams, new ways” “Open up my eyes and open up my mind and I wonder how life will surprise me today.” It is such a great song and really puts me in good spirits. I have to settle back into the deep work i was doing before and seek answers. I’ve gotten so busy that I have kind of lost track of the emotional work I was doing and have focused so much on trying to survive. Mark also made a comment that I am struggling to process still. He told me by pursuing these other treatments, I am going against God. That they might buy me some time and give me some relief but that isn’t where healing comes from. I to a degree agree with that. If you look at history it proves that we are no farther ahead in “research” and success rates than we were in the 1960′s. It’s pathetic that after all the time and money spent that we are not making real progress. I also know that it isn’t diet alone or I would be leading the way. i just have to go back and dive into what I was doing before. Eat right, pray, and dig deep in the emotion pit of my stomach.

On a different note, I had a great weekend with Joel and his parents. This was his parents second time being around the girls and we broke them in hard-core. We got up there Friday night and Kris made a fantastic dinner. She prepared things that I could eat! She is a lot like me in that she likes to make fresh whole food and she kind of stays away from sugar too. She is so kind and thoughtful. She and Bob are two of the best people I’ve met in a long time. I feel like I have been a part of their lives for a long time, it is just so easy. Saturday Joel and I headed to the hospital to see Cody Holzer and Kris took the girls to a movie and ice cream. They got spoiled and spent the day making jewelry. That evening the girls went with Laura to throw T-shirts(didn’t end up if you were looking for them) from the Rogers motors truck and we went to dinner with Bob and Kris after watching “The Art of Flight.”(Best snowboard video ever) The next morning the girls returned for some of Kris’s amazing breakfast and Laura asked if her girls could stay and play, of course I said yes and Bob and Kris now had 4 little girls and a puppy on their hands! They handled it with such grace. We made several trips to the park, cleaned scraped knees and cared for bee stings, made jam(crushed raspberries) and the girls picked every kind of fruit that Kris had in her yard and they made massive amounts of smoothies and ate ungodly amounts of food. We finally gathered everyone and everything up and started the trek back home. It was an interesting yet fun weekend. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life and am excited to see “how life will surprise me today.” Joel is almost done with fire season and I am excited for our trip and actually getting to spend some time with him before he heads back to Whitefish and we begin yet another chapter of this journey…

Dear Cancer,

2011-10-31T15:13:04Z

Dear Cancer,

You have been both a thorn in my side and a blessing in my life. You cause me pain and embarrassment at times but you have also given me many gifts. You caused me to have these scars that each day remind me that I am damaged, you have given me this ostomy that makes me often almost come to tears because of it’s unruly behavior at times and my insecurity about this “thing” that remains at my side at all times. You took my belly and made it look like some kind of Halloween costume that I am embarrassed to even show the ones I love. You made it so that I have a hard time enjoying the things I love, like swimming and running and wearing pants. You made it hard for me to enjoy intimacy because I am constantly worried about the sound it makes and I sure know how unattractive it is! You’ve made it so that it’s hard for me to enjoy eating out with friends and family because I am constantly worried about the effects of the choices I make on my body. I often will stay home from birthday parties and dinner invites because I am afraid of having to say, “I can’t have that” or the noise my ostomy might make after I eat. You make it so that I have to bring my own food to Thanksgiving and Christmas because the “normal” treats I grew up on are unacceptable for those of us who have unusual food needs. You make it hard to travel and enjoy it because I am constantly trying to figure out what I’m going to eat and where I’m going to deal with this appendage above my left hip. You make it hard to make plans to travel because I never know when you will rise up and knock me back in the form of a bowel obstruction or other fun problem. I find myself spending extra money on silly insurance “just in case.” I try to find a way to believe that God will make sure I get to go on my trip and that he has me wrapped in his arms helping me walk through these days but I still find myself in fear that I will fall short of my goals of seeing a long life with my daughters. I find myself writing my will instead of writing my goals “just in case”. Before I travel somewhere I make sure that everyone knows where my medical records are and where to find my will if anything goes wrong. These are a few of the things that bring me down and make me hate this disease but there are a few hidden blessings in the midst. I now love harder, forgive faster, and try to live life to the fullest. While others are dumping their whole day into trying to make more money and build huge pensions, I am putting a little away and putting a little toward having some fun and making memories. You have taught me that planning for the future is important but if you dump everything you have into your FUTURE and then don’t live long enough to see the future then what is the point of living right now? You have made my goal of making memories with my girls and others that I love more of a priority and remind me that tomorrow I can make more money. You have taught me to hold my daughters a little longer and have a little more patience. To enjoy the noise they make even when I think I have had enough. To make sure they know how much I love them EVERY day and to make sure they know how proud of them I am. You’ve soften my heart when it comes to people’s defects both physical and emotional. You’ve taught me that seeking everyone’s approval isn’t that valuable and ultimately I have the most valuable people already in my life. You’ve taught me that staying in a loveless marriage isn’t what I want for myself or what I want to teach my daughters. You’ve taught me about real love and how it feels to be loved during the good, the bad and the ugly. I’ve learned which of my friends are in it for the long haul and which ones were temporary. I’ve learned how to know if people love you for who you are or if they love you for what you can give them. I have learned to soften my tone and my emotion towards things that really don’t matter that much. Because of you I have learned what the word unconditional really means and what it feels like to have unconditional love. You’ve brought powerful amazing people into my life that I would likely never have met otherwise. You have shown me that “you get what you give” and all my giving to others really did pay off when I needed to lean on someone else. You’ve brought me closer to my family and the friends who have stood by me through it all. You’ve taught me that I have some really solid people in my life and that I no longer need to chase half-assed friendships. I have been sad to see some of those friendships end but I know that I need to settle into these great relationships and cherish the time with those I love. You have taught me not to judge others short comings so harshly and I am doing my best to not judge my own so harshly either. I am learning to be ok when my house isn’t perfect and know that people are coming to see me and not my mess. You’ve taught me that it’s ok to cuddle up with someone I love and let the dishes go until tomorrow. You helped me find someone I can truly love and that can stand behind me when things get hard. You have taught me how to support others and show them where to find strength and wisdom. You have forced me to evaluate my own life and choices. You have forced me to look at my diet and be my own advocate when it comes to my health. You have made me a better mother, a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better lover and a better person in general. I think for the most part the Good stuff out weighs the crummy parts. There are many days when I can see the impact of you in a positive way in myself and in the people around me. I often hear that it affects people I have never met. So thank you for the powerful changes you have forced me to make but I still want you out of my body.

-Crystal

Love and Trials

2011-10-31T15:07:28Z

Well a lot has happened in the last week or so. Last Thursday I finally decided that I was pretty sure I had a bowel obstruction and I left early from work and headed for Boise. I was bloated and looked like I was about 6 months pregnant. About half way there the pain was getting a lot more intense and I was glad that I went. They admitted me to St Luke’s without even seeing me as they know these days that I tend to kind of know if something is really wrong. They got me hooked up to an IV and got some pain meds and fluids and got it flowing. They were pumping me full of fluids so fast and then they added the pain meds and it knocked me back and caused me to violently throw up, so much fun. Then I headed to X-ray where they confirmed what I expected, a bowel obstruction. they made me comfortable and told me that I would see my surgeon in the morning. I had spoken to Joel’s mom on the way down just randomly and had told her where I was headed but didn’t really tel anyone else, which later bit me in the butt when all of my family was upset that they didn’t know when i finally posted it on Face book. Joel had planned to come down the next day after getting new tires but got a hold of his mom in the mean time. She told him where I was and he called right away. I reassured him that I was ok and not to worry. He told me that he was going to try to make it to at least McCall and be to Boise in the morning. I woke up at 2:45 from a dead sleep and instantly text Brian(who had my girls) to see if Joel had made it, right then Joel walked through the door. He told me that he couldn’t sleep so he just came the whole way. It was so sweet and something new for me to feel like such a priority. We spent the next few hours cuddling in the hospital bed and talking about how we felt about each other and life. The next morning Dr. Perez came in early at 5:20 am and told us that I was definitely obstructed and that he would like to do a CT and see where things were and start talking drugs and possibly single agent Avastin. Later that day Dr. Zuckerman came in and said “absolutely not” to Avastin and pushed for me to do chemo. They told me that I wasn’t leaving there until I chose some kind of route for treatment. Joel and I spent the next few days talking about intimate and emotional things, researching clinical trials and often taking breaks to watch a dose of Netflix to keep our sanity. It was both beautiful to share the intimate details of my fears and concerns with Joel and frustrating to feel like I was kind of trapped into doing as I was told and not what I wanted. Finally they started to let me eat and tried to get me to do Chemo, Dr. Perez leaning away from Chemo and Dr. Zuckerman saying NO to Avastin made the decision a lot more difficult but I finally got them to release me on the stipulation that I would look for a clinical trial and see what my options are. Monday was the final day in the hospital and in looking for a phone number for a clinical trial I yet again came across the number for Chaplain Karla. I always tell her I will call and never do but she came by to see us and had a great conversation with Joel and I that left both her and I in tears. Joel’s maturity and love were so apparent in the conversation that we had and it was a very new feeling for me to have that kind of support. Despite the leash(IV), the drugs and pressure of not being able to say what I wanted there were some really beautiful moments of intimacy and fun. One of my favorite moments was when Joel and I snuck outside to one of the courtyards and sat on a bench in the sun for about an hour

I had a few days at home/back to work and yesterday was headed to see Joel when just outside of Grangeville when I came around a corner just as a truck clipped a deer sending it head long into my car. I hit it at full highway speeds and can’t even describe the sound as it crashed into my brand new car and the airbags exploded in my face. It was intense just as you would expect when you see it on TV or something. Needless to say I got to ride in the ambulance to Lewiston and poor Joel got yet another phone call to meet his girlfriend at the hospital. They wanted me to get checked out because the airbag had blasted me so hard and my seat belt locked up and had to be cut. My short break from the hospital was now over and I found myself being slid from my car onto a back board and riding in an ambulance to Lewiston with 2 very funny EMT’s. Joel met me there and walked in with us from the ambulance, our timing with each other is amazingly good. I feel very lucky to both have him and to have not been injured much worse. The officer and the guy at the body shop seemed surprised at how well I had fared. I know I am blessed and will continue to live life to the fullest and try not to fear.

I am grateful for the unbelievable amount of support I have from my family, Joel and his family and even all of the followers to my blog that I don’t even know. I am still looking for answers but believe that my brother was right today when he told me to go back to what I was doing before. I have let the emotional challenges in my life send me back to the start line and I need to let Love and happiness prevail over that and believe that I am worthy of healing and that my future can be bright.

Lovely Ladies

2011-09-01T15:55:58Z

This morning I found myself standing back for a minute and taking in all that the morning had to offer.

I woke up snuggled up to 2 little blonde’s that had made their way to my bed at some point during the night, climbed out of bed and got a quick shower in before getting the girls up and ready for the day. I love how when I wake them up they are almost always all smiles. They both reach for me and give me big hugs (the best way to start the day) We all make our way to the bathroom to begin the ritual of getting 3 ladies ready, I am already realizing that all of us in one bathroom isn’t going to work for long , but we all brush our hair and wash our faces etc… I love laughing with them about silly hair styles I try to get them to do and spending a few minutes talking and listening to music. The 3 of us are little music junkies and we spend each morning listening to Pandora while we get ready. Then the task of trying to pick out clothes, I have long ago discovered that I should do this the night before because much like their mother they have WAY too many clothes and they have very strong opinions about what they want to wear. We spent 20 minutes today arguing about what shoes went with a skirt (since they can’t wear flip-flops) until she finally changed into yoga pants and tennis shoes. whew this is going to only get worse as they turn into little woman. At the heart of it all, I just feel blessed to have the girls back full time and getting to spend this valuable time with them. As I drove to work I found myself praying. Praying about the new job opportunity, praying for health and thanking God for the gifts in my life; My girls, My family, My job and My Joel at the heart of my thoughts. I prayed for strength and healing and prayed for worthiness and satisfaction. I am so grateful to have had 2 amazing years to continue to experience life. Yesterday I was telling my new coworker about my sister and how she had found out she was pregnant while at my house helping me with recovering from surgery and how she was devastated at the thought of me not being here when her daughter was born…As we now I WAS not only here but healthy enough to be there for the birth and just a few weeks ago was still here to experience my nieces 1st birthday. Such huge mile stones and experiences I am so grateful to have been able to experience. Life is good today

Missing My Dad

2011-08-23T15:22:44Z

Today as we commemorated the wonderful life of Bob Gallup I can’t help but think about my dad. Tomorrow will be 14 years since my father chose to take his life. It’s hard to comprehend 14 years! When I think about all the things he’s missed, 3 weddings, 4 beautiful granddaughters and all the other mile stones in our lives, it makes me both sad and proud of all the things we have accomplished during those years. We have graduated college or other programs, developed amazing friendships and careers, chosen paths for our lives and most importantly we have all become parents. I know that as I look at my daughters I see my dad in them and some of how he parented in me. I credit him for many characteristics in me, some good and some not so good. Either way I know that his love helped shape me and there are so many wonderful things about my dad that I hope to share with my daughters. I am sad that he isn’t here to hug them and play with all the granddaughters because I know he would have enjoyed them all so much but I know that the 3 of us kids can carry on that legacy of love and fun to our children. I am also lucky that I have my other dad Tom, he has been such a blessing to my life. I guess we can only try to do better than our parents and know that at times we will also fall short. My dad will always be missed.

Nothing but Good Stuff

2011-08-18T16:38:33Z

I am ready for the good stuff. I am ready for the happy ending. I am ready for joy and excitement both. I believe those days are on their way. I actually see bits and pieces of them already. However sometimes they are clouded by others misconceptions and ability to see ugliness in something that was never intended the way they perceive it. I was approached yesterday by my ex husband in regards to my journal and facebook. He has been told that I am righting negative things about him which is not the case in any way shape or form. I actually have nothing negative to say about Darick. He and I are doing our best to facilitate a good relationship for our two beautiful daughters. In all actuality I have even made very kind comments about he and his new girlfriend. If you come to MY blog to try to stir up trouble or to manipulate my words into something negative then all I really have to say is, maybe you should spend your time somewhere else besides my journal. This is a place for me to share my thoughts and journey with those that love me and for me to leave a positive legacy for my children. It is not a gossip site nor do I EVER intend to use it to air my dirty laundry about my marriage. I think that is both immature and damaging to my children. Take my words for what they are and not what you can make them into. I loved Darick very much and am grateful for 10 years and 2 beautiful, amazing daughters. I can’t say that I will never talk about Darick and our interactions because that is my life and that’s where I am, and last time I checked this is my blog. Basically I want to use this to impact my children someday, bring awareness to others about ovarian cancer and be a positive light(to the best of my human ability) to all that read it. As my aunt Teri says “Be a blessing, or be quiet.”