Dear Cancer,

You have been both a thorn in my side and a blessing in my life. You cause me pain and embarrassment at times but you have also given me many gifts. You caused me to have these scars that each day remind me that I am damaged, you have given me this ostomy that makes me often almost come to tears because of it’s unruly behavior at times and my insecurity about this “thing” that remains at my side at all times. You took my belly and made it look like some kind of Halloween costume that I am embarrassed to even show the ones I love. You made it so that I have a hard time enjoying the things I love, like swimming and running and wearing pants. You made it hard for me to enjoy intimacy because I am constantly worried about the sound it makes and I sure know how unattractive it is! You’ve made it so that it’s hard for me to enjoy eating out with friends and family because I am constantly worried about the effects of the choices I make on my body. I often will stay home from birthday parties and dinner invites because I am afraid of having to say, “I can’t have that” or the noise my ostomy might make after I eat. You make it so that I have to bring my own food to Thanksgiving and Christmas because the “normal” treats I grew up on are unacceptable for those of us who have unusual food needs. You make it hard to travel and enjoy it because I am constantly trying to figure out what I’m going to eat and where I’m going to deal with this appendage above my left hip. You make it hard to make plans to travel because I never know when you will rise up and knock me back in the form of a bowel obstruction or other fun problem. I find myself spending extra money on silly insurance “just in case.” I try to find a way to believe that God will make sure I get to go on my trip and that he has me wrapped in his arms helping me walk through these days but I still find myself in fear that I will fall short of my goals of seeing a long life with my daughters. I find myself writing my will instead of writing my goals “just in case”. Before I travel somewhere I make sure that everyone knows where my medical records are and where to find my will if anything goes wrong. These are a few of the things that bring me down and make me hate this disease but there are a few hidden blessings in the midst. I now love harder, forgive faster, and try to live life to the fullest. While others are dumping their whole day into trying to make more money and build huge pensions, I am putting a little away and putting a little toward having some fun and making memories. You have taught me that planning for the future is important but if you dump everything you have into your FUTURE and then don’t live long enough to see the future then what is the point of living right now? You have made my goal of making memories with my girls and others that I love more of a priority and remind me that tomorrow I can make more money. You have taught me to hold my daughters a little longer and have a little more patience. To enjoy the noise they make even when I think I have had enough. To make sure they know how much I love them EVERY day and to make sure they know how proud of them I am. You’ve soften my heart when it comes to people’s defects both physical and emotional. You’ve taught me that seeking everyone’s approval isn’t that valuable and ultimately I have the most valuable people already in my life. You’ve taught me that staying in a loveless marriage isn’t what I want for myself or what I want to teach my daughters. You’ve taught me about real love and how it feels to be loved during the good, the bad and the ugly. I’ve learned which of my friends are in it for the long haul and which ones were temporary. I’ve learned how to know if people love you for who you are or if they love you for what you can give them. I have learned to soften my tone and my emotion towards things that really don’t matter that much. Because of you I have learned what the word unconditional really means and what it feels like to have unconditional love. You’ve brought powerful amazing people into my life that I would likely never have met otherwise. You have shown me that “you get what you give” and all my giving to others really did pay off when I needed to lean on someone else. You’ve brought me closer to my family and the friends who have stood by me through it all. You’ve taught me that I have some really solid people in my life and that I no longer need to chase half-assed friendships. I have been sad to see some of those friendships end but I know that I need to settle into these great relationships and cherish the time with those I love. You have taught me not to judge others short comings so harshly and I am doing my best to not judge my own so harshly either. I am learning to be ok when my house isn’t perfect and know that people are coming to see me and not my mess. You’ve taught me that it’s ok to cuddle up with someone I love and let the dishes go until tomorrow. You helped me find someone I can truly love and that can stand behind me when things get hard. You have taught me how to support others and show them where to find strength and wisdom. You have forced me to evaluate my own life and choices. You have forced me to look at my diet and be my own advocate when it comes to my health. You have made me a better mother, a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better lover and a better person in general. I think for the most part the Good stuff out weighs the crummy parts. There are many days when I can see the impact of you in a positive way in myself and in the people around me. I often hear that it affects people I have never met. So thank you for the powerful changes you have forced me to make but I still want you out of my body.

-Crystal

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